Yesterday, Joe Biden was sworn in as the 46th president of the United States. Dani and I bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate. I was nervous leading up to the swearing in. Could it be? Could the nightmare of the last four years really be coming to an end? Is this going to happen? As Kamala Harris was sworn into office, I felt my anxiety lift and joy overtook me. Yes, this is happening! The chaotic nightmare is over! But, the more I allowed myself to settle into our new reality, the more anxiety I felt. I had heart palpitations, tightness in my chest and panic attacks overtaking me. It didn’t make sense to me. Why am I feeling this? Trump is no longer in office. He doesn’t have control of the nuclear football. He doesn’t have the power of the presidency anymore. Why do I feel worse?
Waking up this morning, the anxiety was still there. I felt heaviness in my chest and had fleeting moments of impending doom. I broke down crying at the breakfast table when inside, a revelation came to me: I am experiencing a genuine trauma response to Trump leaving office. His presidency was much like living through an abusive relationship.
I know abuse. I lived it and I am still healing from it. The four years of living through a Trump presidency paralleled my childhood. And the first half of his presidency I was in an unhealthy living situation that consisted of emotional abuse. I’m not shocked that today I am experiencing a trauma response to his departure. I am not shocked that during this time I was formerly diagnosed with fibromyalgia. And I’m not surprised that during these last four years I’ve been dealing with ongoing bouts of heightened anxiety, but its not permanent; this is what I need to keep in mind.
I am allowing myself to freely feel these powerful emotions. I have lived through trauma I couldn’t control. And the worst of the trauma always came directly following periods of calm. It’s the pattern of abuse. As someone who has experienced it, my brain is wired to protect itself, to brace for impact and the signal has always been the calm before the storm.
Yesterday felt good and my body doesn’t know what to do with that good feeling. Its weary of it. Its scared. And what I remind myself is that these feelings are okay. They’re uncomfortable, but it’s a reminder that Trump’s damage didn’t just impact the government, or the nation; its impact has been felt in our bodies and minds because I know I am not alone in these feelings. I know there are many other survives of abuse who probably feel the same way I do today. To all of you who are sitting with trepidation and uncertainty following feelings of relief, just know it’s a normal trauma response and it will let up. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. You’ve been through a lot. Trump is an abuser and for four years he’s taken great pleasure in creating chaos and uncertainty while gaslighting and sowing seeds of division all while having access to nuclear bombs (at times hinting on Twitter this fact.) He may not be gone, but please remember he doesn’t hold power over us anymore. Our minds may know this truth, but it may take time for our bodies to catch up, so please be gentle with yourself and practice self-care.
Today, I plan to work out, meditate and practice my breathing. I don’t know how long it will take for my body to relax into knowing we are safe now, but I’m being patient with myself. Trauma is real, but so is healing. I am still healing. Healing is my present reality.
