Often, we focus on the friends who leave our lives when things are tough, but what about the friends who drift from our lives when things are going well for us?
Most of us can agree that 2020 has been a hard year for people across the world. Covid-19 has caused strife for billions of people. The motto “We are in This Together” is a rally cry for masking up, social distancing and virtually connecting for everyone’s safety. As humans, we have a wonderful ability to reach out to others who are struggling in the isolation of difficult times. And at the beginning of our present pandemic, being a single person living alone with my dog and two guinea pigs, I had people reaching out to let me know I am not alone. And likewise, I reached out to other friends I knew may have been feeling the isolation, too. I appreciate and value my friendships.
For many people, March and April of 2020 will forever be remembered for Zoom chats and sharing Marco Polo videos, but also, for me, it will be remembered for something more special. Right before the covid-19 shut down in New England, I met the love of my life, Sarah. At the time, I didn’t know that is who she’d become in my heart, but I did know she was someone unique in my life. She was a constant in all the uncertainty swirling around me and as time went on our relationship grew in depth and meaning until we couldn’t ignore the obvious: we are in it long term. We were mirrors for of light in dark times.
I can’t imagine how I would have handled this pandemic had I not met her. Her presence in my life has been healing beyond words. And the truth is that even though our story is a beautiful one of finding love during hard times, there is loss mixed in. I have had to face the truth that some people turn away from us when we are at our most happy. Some people are unable to celebrate our joys and gravitate to us only when we are in our sorrow, I call these types of people shadow friends.
I have this kind of person in my life. I have watched a pattern of hot-and-cold, there-and-not-there happen over-and-over through the decades. I’ve watched her drift out of my life when I am happy in the light of my truest self and focused on my shadow work only to come back into my life when I am stagnant and letting my shadows overtake me. The reality is that our shadows play well together. I wouldn’t go so far as to say misery loves company, but rather some people find it easier relating to our shadows than our light, especially if they have blocks around doing their own shadow work. In many friendships and relationships, we act as shadow mirrors for each other. These mirrors can be either reflective opportunities for growth where we look at our pain points and face them or they act as validation of our own unhappiness, so together we feel a little less alone in it while we avoid the hard work of healing those pain points.
Many friendships drift apart when one friend decides to do the work of healing and the other friend doesn’t because for whatever reason, they’re not there yet. When you’ve gotten to the place of integrating your shadows into the light of who you are on a soul level, they don’t recognize you anymore. The hard truth is often, they never truly knew the whole you; they were friends with your shadows, not with your light. The moment our shadows make friends with our light, we become the healing. (I say healing because we are never truly healed. Healing is a process that never ends). And sadly, this is what has happened with my decades-long friendship, she prefers my shadows to my light because she isn’t ready to do the work of integration. And that’s okay. It’s for me to accept.
She was there when my shadows had me and I valued her presence, but every time I did the work of integration and felt my shadows merge with my light, she would drift out of my life. And 2020 is the year I am facing the shadows of this friendship. The moment Sarah entered my life, my friend exited. I tried reaching out, but it was a struggle to maintain the friendship: texts not being returned for days while seeing her responding to people on social media; liking other friends posts, but not mine; and worst not being there when I was in a serious car accident with my father; losing a dear pet; not wishing us a happy holiday or acknowledging the holiday card we sent; and when my twelve-and-a-half year old dog whom she’s known since he was a puppy was attacked by another dog (all events I posted online that she saw), it was clear, she’s drifted away. I see the pattern and it’s heart breaking, but also, I am the happiest I have been in a long time and my sorrow is in knowing that if I am truly dedicated to doing my shadow work, I must let go of the shadows that have kept us linked together. My link is this: I’m always the one reaching out and doing the work to pull her back into the friendship, but this time, I can’t do it.
I am on a journey of growth and a big part of my growth is I must honor my self-worth. I value the history of our friendship. It was a friendship that challenged me to look inside and feel the hurt, but now its time to let go of it. I don’t feel anger or resentment; I feel grief. I grieve because whether we connect through shadows or light, those connections are equally valid and important. As human beings, we are always offering each other a mirror into who we are as individuals and in relation to one another; what we choose to focus on when we look into the mirror is our choice. From this moment on, my emphasis will be on friendships that bring shadows into light and celebrate the healing we have all become.
Read more on shadow work here.
