I know I look fine. I’m in shape. I have a toned body that I’ve been known to rock. Overall, I’m relatively healthy, but what you don’t see is the pain I’m presently experiencing, a pain that woke me up at 3:45 am this morning; the worry of symptoms that seem to mimic rheumatoid arthritis (minus the swelling and redness); a heavy fatigue weighing on my body; the stress of uncertainty when trying to move my career forward knowing my body can’t do what I need it to do and not knowing how long this flare up will last. You don’t see the reality of my experience. You don’t see the tears I cried this morning when once again, I had to face my reality head on.
Before this flare up, I was in a good fibro flow for several months. Even though my fibromyalgia doesn’t go into complete remission, it waxes and wanes. On good days, its presence is an afterthought of mild pain. On excellent days, I can forget about it and I’m reminded of life before fibro. I’ve been having more excellent days lately, so much so, that I almost convinced myself my fibro was in retreat. I was getting better. And maybe I am?
Or maybe I’m not? Either way, right now my whole-body hurts: toes, feet, ankles, knees, quads, lower back, spine, upper back, shoulders, biceps, elbows, wrists, hands, and fingers. I can’t fight against the pain, so I lean into it and accept that this is my reality right now. Right now, my body needs me to listen to it and embrace my current reality fully and completely.
Today, my body is in a significant flare up. Leaning in means loving myself through it and being honest with the emotions that a powerful flare up provokes in me. I am scared. I’m scared of the what ifs.
- What if this is the way it will be the rest of my life?
- What if I don’t achieve my dreams because of the limits fibromyalgia puts on my body?
- What if I’m left alone because my situation is too much for people?
- What if it gets worse?
- What if the doctors are wrong and it’s actual RA?
- What if I never become a success and end up homeless with nothing to show for all my hard work?
What if, what if, what if? These are some of my worst fears and I’m choosing to face them directly. I am getting real, being honest with the mental and emotional struggle I face during a flare up. What holds me back is not the fibromyalgia; it’s the fear that comes with it. What helps is welcoming those fears to the forefront of my mind. When I face my fears, when I investigate them with a deep intimate curiosity, when I choose not to judge them, everything comes into focus. I see myself in my strength. I see my ability to persevere when I could just as easily give up on my success and dreams. I could let my fears win, but I don’t. And it is in this revelation I find my truth.
I’m a success, I’m achieving my dreams, and even on painful fibro days, I’m being as productive as I can without over doing it. I’m finding meaningful ways to make a difference and accomplish what I can. Some days, it’s the brain fog of fibro that impacts me, other days it’s the physical pain, and then there are the days when migraines set it and I’m incapacitated. Looking back, on all those days, I still did something. I didn’t limit myself and yet, I made it a point to honor my body’s needs. I found the middle ground that makes a successful day. Today, I’m writing from my heart in hopes of reaching people who face a similar struggle with a chronic and/or invisible illness. I hope my words inspire others to face the fears their illness brings to the surface because they shouldn’t be a roadblock to a happy and fulfilling life. Our dreams are meant to be lived now. They shouldn’t only be goals achieved in the future, but the goal we are walking in the present moment. Even though fibro flares are my present reality, I’m living my success now. I’m building my business. I’m nurturing a successful relationship. I’m keeping active and staying healthy. And I’m identifying the steps I need to take to further reduce my flare ups. I’m switching to a strict whole foods diet, focusing on getting enough sleep and down shifting my activity level until this flare up subsides then slowly, increasing activity again.
I know fibromyalgia is with me now. I accept my present reality, but also, I know the future is being created in this present moment, so I hold open the door to a possible future where I’m fibro-free. I don’t have to settle for a fibro forever. I just need to deal with it now. Whatever the future brings, I look ahead and see an amazing life where I am surrounded by love, family, success, abundance, and smiles.
Oh, so many smiles.
Thinking of that future, today, I am smiling through my fibro pain.
